I am not alone.....

God is hear beside me. He loves me even though I am a chaotic, neurotic eclectic, eccentric, impatient, soft hearted, and creative. That is how god made me. The last couple of weeks. I have wrestled with God. That is a good thing. Just like Jacob wrestling with god to show him who was truly the one in charge. God continuality trying to get my attention. Because he is doing something new in my life. I could calk it up to being hardheaded and slow. But I really don’t think that is it. I think he is doing something new in my life. He is teaching me new things and allowing me to acquire new skills. Like I am being formed in to a servant. I am being taught how to care for others and with a willing heart.
I am so enjoying Mickey and Desi. They are teaching me so many things about myself. patients is something we learn by fire. Also just steadfastness. I am not married and do not have kids but I am being taught what it is like to have a heart of a father. Also he is teaching me dependence on him.
Like I had a major break through this week. It was strange. I just made up my mind that I was giving this one issue in my life to god. I had been really struggling with it. For months. Just this one issue was weighing on my shoulders. It was haunting me. I was struggling for spiritual breath at times. I just was driving in my car praying like I always do and it just clicked. This is not something I can do. I have the desire and the passion to clean my life but not the power and the will. I had tried to pray for a miraculous healing. God to just take it away. And it did not. I also tried to take it in my own hands and that did not work. God spoke and said he wanted to do this together. He wanted me to try and stop with him guiding me and giving me strength. He wanted to show me how much he loves me by work with and in me to renew me. If he just did it I would learn nothing but I had not power to do anything. I have had a clear heart for two days. It is amazing what god does when you allow him to just be. I am ready for what ever he wants.
I have only three weeks till school starts and I am getting excited. I am ready to see Ke'arus again.. what else.
Oo I am getting a record player off of eBay. I am so excited. I have like 30 records. A lot form when I was a kid. I am excited…..
this has been a crazy week. Had a flat today.. also got hit for the first time by Desi. And it hurt he has a nice left swing. I felt bad for him because we had a break down of communication. I could not understand what he was wanting so he threw a fit. I just wanted to take care of him and give him what he needed but because he could not communicate I did not give him. So he got upset. I was think about that. I get that way sometimes. I just want to scream. I feel like that way to god sometimes. I just don’t think he is understanding me so I throw a fit. Well that is all my ramblings tonight ..
peace