i feel funny

Wow
What a week. I am so tired. But I am always tired. I put 100 percent in everything I do. That is exhausting sometimes.
The weekend was great and fun, but what is on my heart is the fact I put everything I have into everything I am. Sometimes I just seem to get lost in my own head. That is what has happened today. I just kind of got lost inside. I felt like crying and screaming and laughing all at he same time. It is kind of scary when I get like this. It is as if all these emotions just get stuck in my throat and all I can do is kind of melt down. For the longest I have not really had people to share these parts of my life with. It is strange how I feel alone because I make myself be alone. It is ultimately my chose to be lonely. Not anything anyone has done or some out side force has done. But my personal chose to be miserable. I have been so stressed the last couple of years about how people saw me form the outside. The real fact is that I am afraid of what I see on the outside. I see my self as strange and unusually. Not everyone else. I have wonder why I don’t think I have friends. It is because I chose to not be with people. God is teaching me that all I need is him. In that it means for me to be happy in him alone.
This gets me to today. This whole weekend has been fun. Hanging with new friends and sharing my life with people. Today I just seemed to close down. I started listing to music and two songs really stuck out. One is all I need.
When the day is done and there’s no one else around
While I am ling in my bed
Your all I need

Your all I need when I’m surround
Your all I need when I’m by myself
You fill me when I am empty
There is nothing else
Your all I need

Wow.. that is so true. I just need god, I know what most of you reading this are thinking wow that is so good, go Jimmie, it is not me that is god reviling himself to me. One of my greatest desires is a mate, a female companion in my life. Someone to complete me, to help fulfill what god is doing in me. To help me grow. For me to help whoever she is grow and become who god wants her to be. That has been a desire for a long time. The problem is that that desire has come in front of god. I have gotten to the point of still knowing god has someone for me. But not letting that be a desire any more. I would not pray for it because I was scared that it was to selfish but then put it at the front of my heart. I was living a big contradiction. As I type this my heart is getting lighter. I know that god wants the best for me. He wants me to focus on him not what he can give me.
So here I am standing in front of god going it is yours, again. This time I am bold in front of the throne asking for his will and his best. For him to bless me. And taking my concerns to him and just letting him sort them out. One pray is that god bring , when it is his time a bold women in my life. So I will not take things in my own hands. I also pray for bold friends who will love and understand me. I am getting that. I feel so much better than I did a couple of minutes ago.